I Should Be Over This By Now
"I should be over this by now."
It's a sentence I hear often.
It's also a sentence many people quietly say to themselves.
Maybe it's been a few months.
Maybe it's been a few years.
Maybe it's been much longer.
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that our pain was supposed to have a deadline.
I'm not so sure that's true.
I've found myself wondering...
Who decided that?
I'm not asking sarcastically.
I really mean it.
Time passing and processing aren't always the same thing.
One of the primary jobs of the brain is survival.
When something feels overwhelming, frightening, or deeply painful, the brain doesn't simply check the calendar and decide, "Enough time has passed. We're done with this now."
For some people, reminders, certain places, conversations, anniversaries, or unexpected moments can bring those feelings back.
That doesn't necessarily mean you've gone backwards.
It doesn't necessarily mean you're failing.
Sometimes it means your brain and nervous system still recognize something as important.
And maybe for good reason.
If you'd rather watch than read, I recently shared a short reflection on this exact thought.
Watch: I Should Be Over This By Now
If you're curious about why this happens, you might also enjoy Why Your Brain Doesn't Believe You're Safe Even When You Are.
Then we add something else.
We add shame.
Not only did you go through the experience.
Now you're judging yourself for not being over it.
That second layer can become just as painful.
Now you're carrying:
What happened.
The impact it had.
The belief that you should already be over it.
No wonder it still feels heavy.
Maybe we've been asking the wrong question.
Instead of asking,
"Why am I not over this?"
Maybe we could ask,
"What is my brain or nervous system still trying to make sense of?"
One assumes you've failed.
The other invites curiosity.
A Final Thought
Maybe the goal isn't to pressure yourself into "getting over it."
Maybe the goal is to understand why you've believed there was a deadline in the first place.
Just something I've been thinking about.
I'd genuinely love to hear your thoughts. 💛
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