Why Pretending You Feel Fine Feels So Exhausting

9/14/2025

You know that moment when someone says, “But you seem like you’re doing great!” and you smile, nod, maybe even laugh a little… while inside you’re barely holding it together?

On the outside, you look calm, capable, and collected. On the inside, you’re anxious, overwhelmed, or just plain tired. Pretending to feel fine when you’re not isn’t just emotionally draining. It’s one of the most exhausting things your nervous system can do.

The Hidden Cost of Performing

When you spend your days putting on a mask of “I’m fine,” you’re using energy on two levels:

• Managing your actual stress

• Covering it up so no one else notices

That double effort wears you down. You might even end the day more tired from the act of pretending than from the stress itself. Over time, this constant performing can leave you disconnected from yourself and unsure of what you really feel anymore.

Why the Nervous System Hates Pretending

Our bodies are wired for survival. When you’re stuck in survival mode, your nervous system works overtime to protect you. For many people, that protection looks like keeping it together on the outside: calm voice, steady face, doing the things you “should.”

But here’s the catch: your nervous system doesn’t actually calm down just because you look okay. The tension still lives underneath. Your body is holding the anxiety, sadness, or fear even while you’re smiling in the meeting or cracking a joke with friends.

It’s like running two programs at once on your computer: the one you see on the screen, and the one running silently in the background. That background program is what’s eating up all your bandwidth.

The Praise That Keeps You Stuck

To make it harder, people often praise the mask:

• “You’re so strong.”

• “You always have it all together.”

• “I wish I could handle things like you do.”

Part of you may feel proud of that. But another part knows if they really saw you, if they knew how much you’re struggling just to get through the day, they might not say those things.

That disconnect can feel isolating. Instead of feeling supported, you end up feeling more alone.

Why It Feels Never-Ending

The more you pretend, the harder it is to stop. You worry that if you let the mask slip, people will see the “real” you — the one who feels anxious, angry, sad, or exhausted — and they’ll think less of you.

But here’s the truth: pretending doesn’t actually protect you. It just keeps you trapped in a cycle where no one can show up for the real you, because no one gets to see the real you.

What You Need to Hear

If you’re exhausted from pretending, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’ve been carrying too much, for too long, without a safe place to set it down.

You deserve rest. You deserve spaces where you don’t have to say “I’m fine” when you’re not. You deserve to feel like yourself again — not just the version of you who’s performing strength.

A Different Way Forward

Therapy here isn’t about fixing you. It’s about helping you feel safe enough to stop performing and start being. It’s about giving your nervous system permission to breathe.

You don’t have to keep proving you’re okay. You don’t have to keep carrying it all alone.

If you’re tired of pretending you’re fine, you don’t have to keep carrying it alone. Let’s talk about what healing might look like for you. Schedule a free 15-min consultation →