Why Can’t I Remember My Childhood?How Trauma Affects Memory

12/28/2025

You may remember pieces, but not the whole story.

You might recall sensations or emotions, but not timelines.

You may wonder whether something is wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong with you.

Trauma changes how memory is stored,

not because your brain failed, but because it adapted to survive.

How Memory Normally Works

In non threatening situations, your brain stores memories in an organized way:

• A beginning, middle, and end

• A sense of time and sequence

• Context like where you were and who was there

This process relies on parts of the brain that help with logic, language, and integration.

When danger is present, the brain prioritizes something else.

What Happens to Memory During Trauma

When your nervous system detects threat, it shifts into survival mode.

Instead of focusing on storytelling or meaning, your brain focuses on:

• Staying alive

• Reducing pain

• Escaping or enduring the moment

As a result, memories may be stored as:

• Images

• Body sensations

• Sounds

• Emotions

• Fragmented impressions

This is why trauma memories often feel incomplete or disorganized.

Why Trauma Memories Feel Fragmented

During trauma, parts of the brain responsible for verbal memory and time awareness become less active.

Meanwhile, areas connected to emotion and sensory experience stay highly active.

This can lead to:

• Remembering how something felt but not what happened

• Knowing something was bad without clear details

• Gaps in memory around specific moments

• Memories that feel vivid but disconnected from time

These are signs of a nervous system doing its job, not a failure.

What Dissociation Has to Do With Memory Gaps

For some people, the brain uses dissociation to protect against overwhelm.

Dissociation can include:

• Feeling detached or numb

• Zoning out

• Losing track of time

• Feeling unreal or far away

When dissociation is present, memory encoding can be interrupted.

That is why gaps in recall are common, especially in chronic or early trauma.

Why This Matters for Healing

Many people come into therapy worried that their memories are not clear enough to work with.

They ask questions like:

• What if I cannot remember everything?

• What if my trauma does not feel clear or dramatic?

• What if there is no single moment I can point to?

You do not need a complete or coherent memory to heal.

Trauma work does not rely on perfect recall.

It works with what your system still carries.

How Trauma Therapy Helps Integrate Memory

Therapy focuses on helping your nervous system feel safe enough to process what was left unfinished.

This may include working with:

• Emotional reactions

• Body sensations

• Present day triggers

• Patterns that formed around the trauma

Over time, the brain can begin to reorganize these fragments, reducing their intensity and impact.

Learn more about how EMDR therapy helps the brain reprocess trauma safely.

You Are Not Broken for Forgetting

If your memory feels inconsistent or incomplete, it does not mean your experience was not real.

It means your brain chose survival.

Healing is not about forcing memories back.

It is about helping your system feel safe enough to let the past loosen its grip.

If you are wondering whether trauma therapy might help, this is a good place to start.

When to Reach Out for Support

If memory gaps, emotional reactions, or nervous system symptoms are affecting your daily life, support can help.

You do not need to have everything figured out.

You do not need a clear label.

You do not need to remember everything.

You can schedule a free consultation to explore whether therapy feels like a good next step.

Why Being “Too Independent” Can Be a Trauma Response

12/14/25

You’re capable. You handle a lot. You’ve probably been described as strong, independent, or resilient your entire life.

And yet, when someone says, “You turned out fine,” it doesn’t feel reassuring. It feels minimizing.

If you’ve always struggled to ask for help, felt uncomfortable relying on others, or learned early on that needing support wasn’t safe, there may be a reason. Being “too independent” is often not a personality trait at all. It is a trauma response shaped by your nervous system.

Hyper-Independence: When Self-Reliance Becomes Survival

This pattern is often referred to as hyper-independence.

Hyper-independence develops when your nervous system learns, usually early in life, that relying on others is unreliable, unsafe, or disappointing. Instead of reaching for support, your system adapts by becoming self-sufficient, emotionally contained, and highly capable.

From the outside, hyper-independence can look like strength.
From the inside, it often feels exhausting.

Why Being “Too Independent” Develops

Hyper-independence commonly forms in environments where:

• emotional needs were dismissed or minimized

• caregivers were inconsistent, overwhelmed, or unavailable

• vulnerability did not lead to comfort or relief

• you had to grow up faster than you should have

Your nervous system learned an important rule:
“I’m safer when I don’t need anyone.”

That adaptation may have helped you survive, but it can continue long after the original environment is gone.

Signs Being “Too Independent” May Be Costing You

Hyper-independence is not a flaw. It is a pattern. Some common signs include:

• discomfort asking for help, even when you need it

• irritation or shutdown when others minimize your experiences

• feeling unseen when praised for “handling everything”

• emotional withdrawal after prolonged stress

• resentment paired with self-reliance

• feeling triggered by phrases like “you turned out fine”

These reactions are not overreactions. They are nervous system responses.

Why “You Turned Out Fine” Feels So Invalidating

When someone says “you turned out fine,” what it often implies is:

• the pain no longer matters

• survival equals wellness

• the effort it took to function is irrelevant

For someone with a hyper-independent nervous system, this can land as emotional dismissal, even when it is said with good intentions.

Functioning does not mean healed.
Looking okay does not mean feeling safe.

What Healing Hyper-Independence Actually Looks Like

Healing hyper-independence does not mean:

• becoming dependent

• losing competence

• giving up your strength

Healing looks like:

• allowing support without guilt

• recognizing effort, not just outcomes

• learning that safety does not require self-containment

• letting connection coexist with autonomy

This is not mindset work. It is nervous system work.

Trauma-informed therapy helps your system learn that support can be present without danger and that independence does not have to come at the cost of connection.

You’re Not Weak for This

If this resonates, it does not mean something is wrong with you. It means your nervous system adapted intelligently to what it was given.

Being “too independent” once kept you safe. With the right support, it does not have to run your life anymore.

If you are interested in trauma-informed therapy approaches such as EMDR and nervous system-focused work, you can learn more about working with me here.

What to Expect in EMDR Therapy (From a Therapist Who Gets It)

10/29/2025

You’ve probably heard of EMDR therapy, but maybe you’re not sure what it actually feels like.
If you’ve tried talk therapy and still feel stuck in old patterns, you’re not alone. EMDR isn’t about rehashing your story. It’s about helping your brain and body finally recognize that the danger has passed. (You can learn more about EMDR therapy and how it works here.)

What EMDR Actually Is

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.

It’s a therapy approach that helps your brain process distressing memories in a more adaptive way so they stop feeling like they’re happening right now.

During EMDR, you’ll focus on a memory or belief while engaging in gentle bilateral stimulation such as side-to-side eye movements, taps, or sounds.

This process helps your brain integrate information that got “stuck” during trauma, reducing emotional intensity over time.

What a Typical EMDR Session Looks Like

Here’s what you can expect:

• Grounding and preparation: We start by building safety. You’ll learn regulation tools before we go anywhere near difficult memories.

• Identifying the target: Together, we choose what memory, image, or belief is linked to current distress.

• Processing: Using bilateral stimulation, your brain begins to reprocess what happened, shifting from “I’m not safe” to “It’s over, and I survived.”

• Integration and closure: Sessions always end with grounding, reflection, and ensuring you leave feeling stable. (If you’d like to see what this process can look like in my practice, visit the EMDR therapy page for more details.)

What It’s Not

EMDR isn’t hypnosis or reliving trauma in detail.
You’re fully present and in control throughout the process.
Most clients describe EMDR as intense but surprisingly freeing, like their brain is finally catching up to what they already know logically.

Why It Works

Trauma memories aren’t stored like regular memories. They’re fragmented, sensory, and emotional.
EMDR helps reconnect those fragments so your nervous system can recognize that you’re safe now.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting what happened. It means remembering without reliving.

A Gentle Reminder

You don’t have to know everything about EMDR to take the first step. You just need a safe space to explore it at your own pace.

If you’re curious about how EMDR therapy in South Carolina could help you move from survival mode to real healing, I’d be glad to talk about what that could look like for you. You can schedule a free consult here.

Why You Can’t Just “Move On” From Trauma

09/21/2025

Most people have heard the phrase, “Just move on.” It sounds simple, but if you’ve lived through trauma, you know it isn’t.

Trauma doesn’t respond to logic. You can’t just will yourself to stop feeling the impact. Trauma lingers in the body and nervous system, long after the mind tries to leave it behind.

The Myth of “Moving On”

Culture tells us that time heals all wounds, but time alone doesn’t process trauma. You may look fine on the outside, but inside, you feel stuck. This isn’t weakness. It’s how survival mode keeps you safe when danger once felt constant.

How Trauma Stays in the Body

Even if your brain knows the danger is over, your body remembers. The nervous system holds on to the past through:

• Hypervigilance (constantly scanning for threat)

• Tension in muscles or stomach

• Sleep issues or restlessness

• Emotional flashbacks that seem to come out of nowhere

Your body isn’t trying to punish you. It’s trying to protect you, even when the threat is gone.

Why Willpower Alone Doesn’t Work

You’ve probably tried to “let it go.” Maybe you’ve pushed forward with work, relationships, or distractions. But the nervous system doesn’t heal by force. You can’t outthink survival patterns. Healing requires experiences of safety that slowly teach your body it doesn’t have to stay on guard.

Signs You’re Not “Over It” (and That’s Okay)

You might notice:

• Feeling guilty for not being able to “just get over it”

• Being triggered by reminders, even years later

• Numbing or disconnecting when life feels too much

• Struggling to trust that calm moments are real

These are not signs of failure. They are signs that your system is still protecting you.

How Therapy Creates Space to Heal

Therapy offers something that time and willpower can’t. A safe place for your nervous system to begin to stand down.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) helps reprocess old experiences so they lose their grip. Over time, your body learns that rest and safety are possible.

Healing isn’t about erasing your past. It’s about no longer being controlled by it.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever wondered why you can’t “move on,” remember this: you’re not broken. Your body adapted to survive.

You don’t have to carry the weight of the past alone. Therapy can help you process what feels stuck and finally move forward in a safe, sustainable way.

Why Survival Mode Feels Normal and How to Know When It’s Time for Support

08/27/20205

Most people in survival mode don’t realize they’re in it. You keep pushing through, doing what needs to be done, telling yourself you’ll slow down someday.

But survival mode doesn’t just disappear. Over time, it starts to show up in your body, your mind, and your relationships — often when you least expect it.

What Survival Mode Looks Like

It isn’t always panic or chaos. More often, it looks like:

• Running on empty but still showing up for everyone else

• Feeling on edge, waiting for “the next thing” to go wrong

• Struggling to rest, even when you’re exhausted

• Numbing out or disconnecting because it feels safer than being overwhelmed

• Replaying conversations or overthinking late into the night

(It’s why you can crush a deadline at work but collapse the moment you walk in the door.)

If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken. Your body and mind learned how to survive in hard circumstances, and they got very good at it.

Why It Feels So Normal

If you grew up around stress, or couldn’t fully rely on others, staying on high alert became second nature. That state of bracing turned into your “normal.”

Which is why slowing down or feeling calm can feel uncomfortable at first — your body simply isn’t used to it.

When It Might Be Time for Support

You don’t have to wait for a crisis. It may be time to reach out if:

• Rest never feels like enough

• You feel detached or numb more often than present

• You can’t turn your brain off, even when you want to

• You’re snapping at people you care about

• You’re tired of holding it all together alone

Finding a Way Out of Survival Mode

Therapy isn’t about fixing you. It’s about helping your body realize it doesn’t have to live in survival mode forever.

Approaches like EMDR therapy and trauma-focused counseling can help your nervous system reset so you can have steadier days, more energy, and a little more room to breathe.

Survival mode got you through a lot. But it doesn’t have to run the rest of your life.

If This Feels Familiar

You don’t have to figure it out on your own. Working with a trauma therapist can be the first step toward moving out of survival mode and into something steadier.

Therapy in South Carolina and Beyond

I specialize in helping adults heal from trauma, burnout, and the constant pull of survival mode. Through online EMDR therapy across South Carolina — including Greenville, Spartanburg, Columbia, and Charleston — I support clients who are ready for more than just “getting by.”

You don’t have to carry it all alone. Schedule a free consultation to talk about what healing might look like for you.

When Rest Feels Impossible: Why Healing Doesn’t Start With Being Okay

09/07/2025

The Myth of “Earning” Rest

So many people grow up learning that rest has to be earned. You finish the chores, the work, the obligations, and only then do you get to stop. If you are still standing, you must keep going. Rest becomes a prize for performance instead of a basic human need.

I remember this from my barista days. “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” I can still hear it ringing in my ear. It didn’t matter how long we had been on the floor or how many customers we had just served. The message was clear: idleness was unacceptable. Every second had to be filled with effort.

For survivors of trauma, that message often runs even deeper. The nervous system wires itself to be on guard. Slowing down feels unsafe because you learned that letting your guard down was dangerous. Resting is not just difficult. It feels impossible.

Why Rest Feels Unsafe

Trauma changes how the body keeps score. Your brain may say you are fine, but your body remembers otherwise. Even when life looks calm, your system can stay on high alert.

That high alert is exhausting. But when you try to rest, your body resists. Thoughts race. Muscles tense. Sleep feels shallow. You might even feel guilty for wanting to pause. Rest triggers alarm instead of comfort.

This is not laziness. It is not weakness. It is survival mode still running long after the danger has passed.

Signs Rest Feels Unsafe

If rest feels impossible, it often shows up in small but familiar ways:

• Feeling guilty for napping or sleeping in

• Rest days filled with anxiety instead of relaxation

• Trouble sitting still without needing a distraction

• Always saying yes because stopping feels selfish

If these sound familiar, you are not failing. These are survival patterns.

Rest Is Not Laziness. Rest Is Repair.

The truth is simple. Rest is not a prize for performance. It is a basic human need. Rest is how the nervous system begins to repair. Muscles unclench. Breathing slows. The body shifts from protection to healing.

But if you have lived in survival mode, rest does not come naturally. That does not mean you are broken. It means your system learned to survive by staying on. Healing is the process of teaching it that off is possible too.

How Therapy Helps Relearn Safety

In trauma therapy, the first step is often not about revisiting memories. It is about creating safety right now. Sometimes that means practicing what it feels like to pause for thirty seconds without judgment. Sometimes it is noticing one calm breath. Sometimes it is simply learning that stopping is allowed.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can support this process. EMDR helps the nervous system reprocess old experiences so they lose their grip. Over time, your body learns that it can stand down. Rest stops feeling like danger and starts feeling like relief.

Healing is not about forcing yourself to be okay. It is about giving your body new experiences of safety until rest becomes possible again.

Quiet Rebellion

In a world that glorifies burnout, choosing rest is an act of rebellion. For trauma survivors, it is even more powerful. Rest says, “I deserve repair. I deserve care. I deserve to stop.”

I think back to that old barista mantra. “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” For me, the quiet rebellion is this: if you have time to heal, you have time to rest.

Final Thoughts

If you find yourself unable to rest no matter how tired you are, you are not alone. It is not because you are weak. It is because your nervous system has been working overtime for years. Healing does not begin with being okay. It begins with noticing that even if rest feels impossible, it is still yours to claim.

Therapy is one place to start practicing that truth. You do not have to do it alone.

Ready to Begin?

If rest feels impossible, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Therapy can help your nervous system relearn safety so rest feels less like danger and more like relief. Schedule a free 15-min consultation →

Why Pretending You Feel Fine Feels So Exhausting

9/14/2025

You know that moment when someone says, “But you seem like you’re doing great!” and you smile, nod, maybe even laugh a little… while inside you’re barely holding it together?

On the outside, you look calm, capable, and collected. On the inside, you’re anxious, overwhelmed, or just plain tired. Pretending to feel fine when you’re not isn’t just emotionally draining. It’s one of the most exhausting things your nervous system can do.

The Hidden Cost of Performing

When you spend your days putting on a mask of “I’m fine,” you’re using energy on two levels:

• Managing your actual stress

• Covering it up so no one else notices

That double effort wears you down. You might even end the day more tired from the act of pretending than from the stress itself. Over time, this constant performing can leave you disconnected from yourself and unsure of what you really feel anymore.

Why the Nervous System Hates Pretending

Our bodies are wired for survival. When you’re stuck in survival mode, your nervous system works overtime to protect you. For many people, that protection looks like keeping it together on the outside: calm voice, steady face, doing the things you “should.”

But here’s the catch: your nervous system doesn’t actually calm down just because you look okay. The tension still lives underneath. Your body is holding the anxiety, sadness, or fear even while you’re smiling in the meeting or cracking a joke with friends.

It’s like running two programs at once on your computer: the one you see on the screen, and the one running silently in the background. That background program is what’s eating up all your bandwidth.

The Praise That Keeps You Stuck

To make it harder, people often praise the mask:

• “You’re so strong.”

• “You always have it all together.”

• “I wish I could handle things like you do.”

Part of you may feel proud of that. But another part knows if they really saw you, if they knew how much you’re struggling just to get through the day, they might not say those things.

That disconnect can feel isolating. Instead of feeling supported, you end up feeling more alone.

Why It Feels Never-Ending

The more you pretend, the harder it is to stop. You worry that if you let the mask slip, people will see the “real” you — the one who feels anxious, angry, sad, or exhausted — and they’ll think less of you.

But here’s the truth: pretending doesn’t actually protect you. It just keeps you trapped in a cycle where no one can show up for the real you, because no one gets to see the real you.

What You Need to Hear

If you’re exhausted from pretending, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’ve been carrying too much, for too long, without a safe place to set it down.

You deserve rest. You deserve spaces where you don’t have to say “I’m fine” when you’re not. You deserve to feel like yourself again — not just the version of you who’s performing strength.

A Different Way Forward

Therapy here isn’t about fixing you. It’s about helping you feel safe enough to stop performing and start being. It’s about giving your nervous system permission to breathe.

You don’t have to keep proving you’re okay. You don’t have to keep carrying it all alone.

If you’re tired of pretending you’re fine, you don’t have to keep carrying it alone. Let’s talk about what healing might look like for you. Schedule a free 15-min consultation →